Distance

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Twenty First Birthday

The distance between me and myself one year ago is staggering.
Last year, on the cusp of twenty one,
more to be done,
the unknown yawned before me,
fear adorned me.

Now, almost twenty two
God has won.
He has taken my life and done remarkable things.

Often those things that bring Him the most glory are the things we dread the most to talk about.

What does it make me when I admit I struggle?
Small, not at all, undone and broken down before the God of the universe… who loves.

One year – battles and victories
Distance from the starting line and the battle line

Last year – struggle -
Bitterness, baggage, hurt and sadness bottled up for years-
Ache for lost family,
Bitter for not admitting my weakness,
Fear of being like the woman who gave birth to me.

553 Eric Kate-

Newly Engaged

I looked forward into my relationships and saw myself cowering, afraid to feel, distancing myself from the pain of loving.

Victory – Loving him, but the victory was not in loving him, but trusting that no matter the hurt God had a reason to guide me through the continuing struggle of my relationship.

I was ashamed of tears and now they are a release to me, a gift that cleanses.
Weeping heals sorrow.

From that moment of victory God took me through storms and fears, testing me. Then one afternoon I sat on a log and the man I loved said he loved me and the journey continued.

Three months – to finish school, finish childhood, and prepare myself for a life long vow.
I made that vow in my heart months before trusting that I was following God’s leading. (To be clear – there was the blessing of parents, pastors, friends, and family – All seeing the blessing God had poured on our lives. It just took both of us longer too)

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Six Months Ago

In February, I became a wife.

In sickness and in health was tested right away as I struggled with a kidney infection that had me bed ridden. I was resistant to all antibiotics except for one and my recovery was stilted at best.

In May, I was trying to work on a farm, run a business, be a wife. My husband was on crazy shifts – two weeks on nights and two on days, not enough days to adjust to one or another. I was still sick. We decided to try something new. It was radical.

A diet. At this point I was so gluten intolerant that if my husband ate something and kissed me, I would get sick

So we both started with only eating meat and vegetables for a couple weeks. No newlywed flab for us.
We worked at it – I cooked everything from scratch and E helped until I had enough energy to do it myself.

The purging process dragged through June, but finally in July I started to drastically improve. During this time E quit his job to help me expand my business and go to school this fall.

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Just Found Out We’re Pregnant

Then on July 19, I got a call. My brother, the person I had ached over, found me.
And by God’s grace I was ready. We’ve been able to talk and become family. A victory again over the fear and bitterness I struggled with. This story is another year long miracle. 

On July 21, I found out I was pregnant. We were so excited. The feeling of being a mom welled up inside me and I could hardly contain myself. We wanted to wait to tell anyone for a while.

During the first part of August we drove up to Washington and tied up loose ends before E started school last week. We have been married six months.

Last week, August 27 our latest struggle began.

I lost our baby.

Our first child is in heaven.

So, here I am one year later.

Twenty one seems an eternity away.

From college student to wife and mother…

Who knows where the next year will take me?
Or even the next six months of marriage.

-M

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

Our Day

Once upon a time, there was a girl….

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She was blessed by friends

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And surrounded by family

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And there was this man

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A stunning, godly man who loved her very much…

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And she loved him so much…

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So, with all of these witnesses…

Screenshot 2014-04-10 10.04.02And a ridiculously cute flower girl…

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They got married

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And they made a vow before God – for better or worse

Screenshot 2014-04-10 10.10.14In sickness and in healthto love, honor, and obey…

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Until death do us part…

Screenshot 2014-04-10 10.10.53 And in that moment, we were standing on sacred ground,

consecrated in the blood of Christ and complete,

pledging our lives to God and each other.

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Then they celebrated,

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Screenshot 2014-04-10 10.32.09And they danced

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And then as the lights burned low, they left as husband and wife

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And they lived…

happily

ever

after

-M

How One Moment Can Change Your Day… and Your Life

Have you ever been burdened with glorious purpose?

Woken up knowing what you needed to do and having the ability to do it?

What if that isn’t the dishes in the sink?

Sorry , Mom

No, I didn’t rinse them before I dropped them in the sink. 

What if it isn’t to finish the now hypocritical “How To Be Super Organized with Pegboard” post?

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What if it is to ease the burden in your heart that you feel for a plan, a future, and a hope?

What if in learning to be a wife, to listen better, I stumbled upon something I have missed for years.

How to listen to God better.

Or maybe learning to listen to God better in deciding who to marry has helped me listen as a wife more.

A dirty house does not make me more spiritual (It can make me much less). However, learning to, “Do whatever He tells you.” has been my prayer. The framed verse on the wall is more freeing than anything.

So, I stop and I pray.

I remind myself of the praise words from morning.

Journal

Is prayer my ministry right now?

Is this the foundation I’m laying for our future?

It is important and difficult.

- M

 

 

Work In Progress

As you can tell, my blog is getting redesigned.

If you couldn’t, please bear with me, it isn’t always this stark.

Everything around me is maturing, so it makes sense for my blog to mature as well.

Thank you,

-M

Coming Soon:

Cleaning, Organizing, and Small Space Living: I Think I’ve Joined A Club

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As a Note: This is not the finished project.

 

Walking Into Change

Looking back I can’t believe that day happened.

I can’t believe I got poked and prodded for hours,  wore a white dress, took pictures, said vows, and married my husband a month ago. I am remembering more and more details, family’s faces, hugs, smiles, prayers, and soaring.

I don’t think I stopped smiling for days

My best friends were there – W and B – right beside me as I pledged my life to the best man in the world, while the best man became my father in law. I gained a sister and my sisters, a brother.

This day was full of bests – another best of friends came up and told me she came all the way from Qatar for this day. I cried and she cried (I also freaked out because she was supposed to be in Japan, not the Middle East)

So much love and never letting go of my husband’s hand. He was everywhere in every moment with me, never leaving my side, most of my spare moments I remember looking at him because he seemed to take up all the space in my world and my heart. I couldn’t stop sending prayers of thanks up to God, praying that the Spirit could express in groanings too deep for words the depths of fullness and happiness I felt.

Thinking back, the day blurred by, but I remember our vows and the moment his eyes met mine saying, “By the grace of God, I will.”

Yesterday, a little girl came up to me  asked, “Did you marry someone? Because I saw the movie.”

A family friend made a video that has made the loop around many circles, including both of our parents’ Facebooks. I can’t go anywhere in town right now without being told my wedding was so beautiful and the video made them cry.

It’s great and I mean it.

And here, for the first time (on my blog), is my debut in my own wedding.

Kate & Eric Wedding from IMAGERY DESIGN | Heidi Stone on Vimeo.

Living in the Moment

If you saw me right now, I’ld be drinking coffee from the back of the cup, holding it against my chest with my mouth to
leave my hands free for the work that needs to be done.

An hour ago I was kissing my husband goodbye after watching him leaning over God’s Word and closing his eyes to know my other Love. You can’t know me without knowing them.

Fifty minutes ago I was looking at books to read, thinking about what my mind ought to know, the things I want my heart to be filled with, and the worlds I can get lost in.

Half an hour ago I was thinking about the millions of things I have to do, trying to get a handle on responsibility and the difference between needing and wanting to be done.

Fifteen minutes ago I had a spark.

A moment of inspiration, so I stopped to enjoy it.

A couple minutes from now I’ll be playing the self critic, listening to myself say, “You used too many ‘ands’. You should have used a comma…

Inspiration?”

But I know to turn that off, to ignore it, because running myself down won’t help me improve.

Ten minutes from now I’ll be running to the outdoors, to be where I said I would be, to revel in the creation around me, and the Creator’s Lenten gifts.

And tonight I’ll be joyful tired because I’m learning.

Take everyday – moment by moment.

Be thankful – for the details.

Don’t rush – Be purposeful.

That’s me…

where I am now

what I have learned

my flaws and how I am growing

who I am growing with.

-M

Introducing M…. yself

You may have noticed my W turned into an M. I haven’t developed some strange form of dyslexia, but I did get married, three weeks ago to the most wonderful man in the world (and yes, after three weeks of marriage I still love him and enjoy washing his coal infused socks)

We live in a two bedroom apartment almost in town, but still in a quiet area, where we have finally figured out how we like our furniture arranged.

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I’m a missus and I am just figuring everything out.

 have figured most things out

Haven’t figured anything out… except that stuffing all of our gifts in the guest room gives me some space to think.

Everything changed and I hardly realized it in the whirlwind of romance and wedding planning (read maelstrom of stress and thank you note writing). 

Love makes your perspective on everything change, it makes a person more important than almost anything in your life. It makes you learn to give up, and it turns out that those things you give up weren’t worth holding onto anyway.

I’m loving the calm now. The joy found in spending time with my Soul Mate – these days it seems like my heart spends more time with him than in my own chest.

You can’t understand it until you’re in it, marriage. The bonding together – complete mixing of one into another, so tangled together that you can’t separate the man and woman from the one person they are becoming.

Becoming one – I use his hand motions and feel my face make expressions his makes, feel what I know he feels when he sees things. I hear my words and tones come out of his mouth and see his expressiveness where others see restraint.

We haven’t figured out the future or big goals, but thats good.

I don’t need to have it all figured out right now.

And that was a hard lesson to learn

-M