Life is like Wack-a-Mole. You either never hit the mole and when you do everything just resets. My job may be a little more like this than most, but I think it holds true as a general rule.
-W
A Trojan Defence
Legend has it that the walls of Troy were unsurmountable. If they were left alone, the city would never fall. In fact their bards prophesied that the Trojans would have to take down the wall themselves if they were ever going to be conquered. They thought they never would fall until a very clever Greek built a horse bigger than the gates of Troy. The Trojans’ pride prevented them from seeing the strategy of the enemy and they opened themselves up to one of the most well known blood baths in history.
They had one defense, a full proof way of ensuring their life, but chose hubris, arrogance instead.
We laugh at them, thinking that they are so foolish, yet we do the same thing.
I do the same thing.
One of my favorite songs has a line that calls Christ, “my one defense.”
He is the Trojan Wall I pull down to sin every day.
-W
Relationally Speaking…
On May 14 I opened a draft for post about being a single woman. Its been done dozens of times before. I had thoughts about focus, purpose, goals, and priorities. They were good thoughts, but one sided. I thought that a certain frame of mind, knowing the right verses, and being focused on the tasks before me would prepare me when the time came for a relationship.
This was what I was thinking about May 15 when a friend of mine, a godly man, asked me to dinner. I was surprised and my very formatted ideas quickly flew out the roof. A relationship turns everything you think you know upside down and backwards. The basics are all the same, parents, siblings, friends, and coworkers, but they move differently. Problems you thought you had dealt with suddenly come back to haunt you and it always seems like your bad side is showing. Sometimes things you’ve never dealt with before come in to reek havoc.
So, for the last two months I’ve been thinking about what I should have paid attention to when I was single and how I could have prepared for this. The easy answer is that I couldn’t have. I did the best I could to be godly myself, invest my time in my family, and keep working toward goals that didn’t meant as much to me as working on a farm does.
The difficult answer starts with two statements.
1) The base of every relationship is the same.
2) Being in a relationship is completely different.
Does that make any sense at all?
The goal of any relationship, familial, friendly, or romantic, is to draw all involved closer to Christ. It is about doing what is best for the other person even though it might be uncomfortable for both of you at the time. It is a constant risk and a constant reward. There is always sacrifice, failure, forgiveness, trust, and growth together. The things you struggle with in one, you will probably have to deal with in another. With someone you like it is easy at first to not be obstinate or rude, sarcastic or manipulative, but over time the best relationship will test your mettle and either refine or burn you.
I wish I had really looked at where I struggle in a relationship. It may not be a big deal. I may just be socially awkward and fine with talking about dead bodies over dinner, but it isn’t normal. I can be a show off, tell really obscure (insert lame) jokes, quirky and a little warped. My family teases me about my quirks mercilessly and my friends tolerate them. Now I wish I had paid attention to their subtle (and not so subtle) advice.
Being in a relationship is different though. You don’t spend your time worrying about your quirks much. Its nice to be liked, but its even better to find someone you can learn from, grow with, and who is willing to put up with you. Quirks and flaws come into play when you realize you want to be the best because that person deserves the best. In my case it means taking care of myself, so he doesn’t worry, not that he would worry, but he might, so I’m careful.
There are so many wonderful things about a relationship. I am learning so much, growing so much. It is wonderful to have someone to laugh with, lean on, work with, serve, talk to, and know what he’s thinking just by glancing at him from across a pool table.
Here we are two months later and I was finally able to finish that post. It is a lot different than what I originally intended, but hopefully better for the differences.
I think I finally broke my writer’s block.
-W
Smiles
There are so many smiles I’ve seen in my life, fake, goofy, crazy, evil, smart, pained, laughing, but my favorite one is the ever illusive happy smile. You know, the one that can be both exhausted and full, but still completely overflowing with something I can’t quite explain. Sometimes its just in the twitch of the lips and a look in his eyes and sometimes it comes out with a half laugh, gruff endearment, and a full smile usually this accompanies small children and pet-able animals.
My sisters have curious smiles, my mom has a knowing smile, and my friends have I-told-you -so smiles. My smiles have been more common and more genuine.
Smiles make the world a better place.
-W
Prayers, Trust, and Lettuce
I do my best praying while harvesting lettuce dragging my knees along the dirt like a pilgrim praying the rosary on the steps of a holy site.
The farm is beautiful right now – I can taste strawberries on everything. Lettuce is peaking up with basil, summer squash and berries soon to follow. The air is filled with heady lilac and sweet peony.
I have been streamlining lately, trimming off those things that take up time I could be giving to others.
Busy, so busy.
My best friend was married last weekend.
My other best friend is moving to the Philippines.
I am graduating in three months.
I think another stage of my life is ending, but I’m not sure what it is – a final farewell to childhood – an awakening to womanhood.
I am pulling out another empty canvas or maybe simply figuring out what to put on the one I have been staring at for the past several months.
I have been praying for clarity, but I realized I don’t need to know what is there. I only need to trust and depend on the one who has a purpose and plan for every step I take.
-W
Just Another Love Affair
One of my oldest memories is planting sunflowers and pear tomatoes at the bottom of a steep hill where my parents had built a garden. Everyday I would climb the fence (because gates are boring) and run down the hill to see what had happened since the night before. I loved the dirt squelching through my toes, under my nails, and seemingly embedded in my scalp. I would go inside after a day of mud houses and reading in trees to hear, “Kate, did you roll in the mud or are you just magnetically attracted to every floating piece of dirt?”
As I grew older things didn’t change. In school I was the first one with my shoes off running through the fields of weeds during recess. I could never stay clean. A smudge of dirt on my face, streak of mud on my knee-highs, and busted knees constantly betrayed me. In high school, my teachers realized that it was better to just let me study and write outside on sunny days than to watch me pine for the fresh air and fidgeting in my seat. I would stand in the rain, read in the tallest trees, weeded the wildflowers in April, and picked them all in May.
And I read – Caddie Woodlawn, Laura Ingalls Wilder, and many biographies about prairie wives, missionaries to India, and adventures. When my body wasn’t having adventures, discovering Jerusalem crickets and rattlesnakes, my mind was surviving in the arctic tundra or saving slave girls in the slums of India. I never wore shoes and built worlds of my own in dugouts where I would spend afternoons reading.
Wild, idyllic childhood gave way to a more calm adolescence. I spent most of my time reading anything and everything I could get my hands on. I loved the outdoors and spent much of my lunches reading outside, but the pull of words was too strong. Fortunately, my English teacher understood my thirst for knowledge coupled with wanderlust. He expanded my mind with a biblical perspective in every area of writing – theology, history, philosophy, literature, science, and the arts. This was what drove me back outdoors.
I found myself needing space to think and absorb the knowledge my teacher and parents had given me. I could sit outside for hours dangling on our tire swing watching the world spin around me, completely lost in thought. I would read and then go outside and think. Sometimes I would walk around the school grounds alone or hide in a tree during breaks just to process. The land became my sanctuary. I would read and think and read more. I loved hammocks, porch swings, grassy hillsides, and high rocks.
Then I graduated.
I had worked since junior high, so I knew the reality of getting more work was coming. I dreaded being locked indoors for days on end, limited on reading time, and slowly losing my mental agility. I drifted from job to job enjoying aspects of many and being mostly miserable for a solid year. Then, on December 14, 2010 one of my best friends and I decided to go on a mission’s trip. We worked on a farm for three months which I loved. I thrived there – Learning a new language, working with in dirt daily, walking miles daily, and focusing on others.
I came home and thought I knew my direction – dirt. I started working towards my degree in Anthropology and soon after got a job on the farm I work at now. I read as voraciously as ever and the hours of silence in the field gives me time to think deeply about everything.
My writing is just a by product. In my case: Reading + Dirt = Grounded Thought
Its a system that characterizes me. I am so grateful for it because it not only brings fulfillment but peace, a peace only found in dwelling on God’s Word, the framework and foundation of my world. I work the land He created and think about what he created it for.
Thats my secret to happiness.
-W
At First Blush
I have been rather negligent in my writing lately and it hasn’t been because I have been vetting every CD we have in our house or wallowing in depression. In fact, despite completely destroying my car and more absent minded moments than usual, I’ld say the last few weeks have been some of the best in a very long time. I have been reading a lot, enjoying the spring at its fullest, and almost every cliche that goes with it. To celebrate the goodness I have decided to give up on the cynicism for a post and enjoy the strangeness of life.
I have gone through several nicknames… Tink, Atie, That-Person-Who’s-Bleeding – fairly typical stuff – but like all nicknames I have a couple I keep locked, sealed, and for all intents and purposes non-existent.
In high school it was Tom, not as in the boy’s name, as in Tom-ato.
“Why?” One might ask.
Funny you should ask.
I blush. Fire-engine red. The red of scarves and sweaters and really really red things – like tomatoes. Sure most people may blush a little, but even my doctor has commented on the rapidity and profusion of my blush – from scalp to toe. I literally radiate redness.
So, what turns me into a space heater at the drop of a hat?
1. Well, maybe not the drop of a hat, but the drop of a shirt is a completely different matter.
I can’t look at a shirtless young man without flushing. I just can’t. Some of my male friends are cruel and unusual… guess what they do? During the summer I avoid pools and bury my head in a book for as long as possible. Winter is wonderful… I also avoid Abercrombie & Fitch, most catalogues, and construction sites.
2. Being Singled Out in a crowd
Don’t ask me a question in a group, if a whole bunch of people are watching me…waiting for the answer. I would rather be ignored. Honestly, don’t point me out in a speech or a say I helped. Do you know how many awful photos there are of me looking tomato-ish? I try to destroy them all.
Once I was in a cantina in Mexico and a young man asked me to dance. I was so embarrassed that I handed him my napkin. He laughed and danced away. Did I mention he danced across the room to me while I pretended not to notice? My cousin thought it was the funniest thing she’d ever seen.
3. When other people are doing/ talking about intimate details of their love life
You know that moment in movies when the hero/heroine makes every viewer flinch – I skip them… and pretend that it never happened. In movie theaters I shrink deeply into my seat and recite bits of nothing to distract myself. When watching with friends, I leave the room…
I’m an anthropologist, I can talk about sex in a scientific and impersonal way – detached. As soon as someone talks about their love life in any way. I feel like I’ve intruded on someone else’s privacy. This especially happens when couples say that they are trying to have a baby. It gets even better…
4. When I’m asked about my love life
I also stutter and can’t speak clearly.
5. When others call my bluff (or do something completely unexpected)
This usually happens when I’m speaking or working too fast, but also when I’m dancing or typically not thinking about the consequences of my actions. As far as unexpected… This is what usually falls under most embarrassing moments… I run away from the worst ones… The most gracious people call it “tactical withdrawal.” I call it a strong fight or flight response.
6. Money and Gifts
I hate money and I hate how it effects people, but most of all I hate talking about it. I almost can’t even talk to my parents about it. I literally email them a fiscal report we can talk about. I avoid subjects and get very bothered when others ask about it. My dad has called me a cheap date since I was twelve – My parents had to teach me how to even order on a date… The best story I have on this one is a little mortifying. I wasn’t asked to our school formal one year and had to find a date. We were going to Disneyland and I had already pulled the ‘Stutter and Run’ on the family friend, so I payed for all of it… almost four hundred dollars. He never knew…
If I’m awkward about money, I’m worse when its spent on me. I am bad at saying no because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but it is even worse when I’m given something I could never reciprocate – A tank of gas, clothes I don’t think I need. I don’t want others to waste money on me. I’m not worth it.
But I’m a total hypocrite – I love giving other people things like flowers sporadically and really well put together gift.
7. My Quirkiness is Revealed
I am strange. I embrace it here and can joke about my major peculiarities with everyone. I am obscenely absent minded – there’s no hiding it. My mind is typically meandering between the nature of existence and how string theory makes sense of perceived time. I forget things like whether the hood on my car is secure. But then I’m caught out when it flies up while I’m driving, snapping me back to reality. I find it difficult to relate to people and their interests typically… I read excessively, mostly unpopular books, prefer being alone for extended periods of time , can’t stand crowds of people, and love small, dark spaces – I used to sneak into a hideout under my stairs to sleep because it felt safer than my bed.
Apparently I’m strange…
Anyway – I’m sure I’ll be back to my austere sulky posts soon.
-W
