The distance between me and myself one year ago is staggering.
Last year, on the cusp of twenty one,
more to be done,
the unknown yawned before me,
fear adorned me.
Now, almost twenty two
God has won.
He has taken my life and done remarkable things.
Often those things that bring Him the most glory are the things we dread the most to talk about.
What does it make me when I admit I struggle?
Small, not at all, undone and broken down before the God of the universe… who loves.
One year – battles and victories
Distance from the starting line and the battle line
Last year – struggle –
Bitterness, baggage, hurt and sadness bottled up for years-
Ache for lost family,
Bitter for not admitting my weakness,
Fear of being like the woman who gave birth to me.
I looked forward into my relationships and saw myself cowering, afraid to feel, distancing myself from the pain of loving.
Victory – Loving him, but the victory was not in loving him, but trusting that no matter the hurt God had a reason to guide me through the continuing struggle of my relationship.
I was ashamed of tears and now they are a release to me, a gift that cleanses.
Weeping heals sorrow.
From that moment of victory God took me through storms and fears, testing me. Then one afternoon I sat on a log and the man I loved said he loved me and the journey continued.
Three months – to finish school, finish childhood, and prepare myself for a life long vow.
I made that vow in my heart months before trusting that I was following God’s leading. (To be clear – there was the blessing of parents, pastors, friends, and family – All seeing the blessing God had poured on our lives. It just took both of us longer too)
In February, I became a wife.
In sickness and in health was tested right away as I struggled with a kidney infection that had me bed ridden. I was resistant to all antibiotics except for one and my recovery was stilted at best.
In May, I was trying to work on a farm, run a business, be a wife. My husband was on crazy shifts – two weeks on nights and two on days, not enough days to adjust to one or another. I was still sick. We decided to try something new. It was radical.
A diet. At this point I was so gluten intolerant that if my husband ate something and kissed me, I would get sick
So we both started with only eating meat and vegetables for a couple weeks. No newlywed flab for us.
We worked at it – I cooked everything from scratch and E helped until I had enough energy to do it myself.
The purging process dragged through June, but finally in July I started to drastically improve. During this time E quit his job to help me expand my business and go to school this fall.
Then on July 19, I got a call. My brother, the person I had ached over, found me.
And by God’s grace I was ready. We’ve been able to talk and become family. A victory again over the fear and bitterness I struggled with. This story is another year long miracle.
On July 21, I found out I was pregnant. We were so excited. The feeling of being a mom welled up inside me and I could hardly contain myself. We wanted to wait to tell anyone for a while.
During the first part of August we drove up to Washington and tied up loose ends before E started school last week. We have been married six months.
Last week, August 27 our latest struggle began.
I lost our baby.
Our first child is in heaven.
So, here I am one year later.
Twenty one seems an eternity away.
From college student to wife and mother…
Who knows where the next year will take me?
Or even the next six months of marriage.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4