It seems like I go places and I have no idea what to do when I get there. According to my family, in most situations I come across as aloof and cold. According to my friends, I need to “just relax”. Easy for them to say.
In my mind, if I start talking, I ramble, come across self absorbed, and silly like a typical teen.
If I don’t, I come across unsocial and taciturn.
I started asking myself why this is such a big deal and realized it is all about the person we want to be around other people. We all talk about being ourself and then we want to idealize the person we are to sound as cool as possible.
How lame is that?
I personally would love to be a brilliant gifted musician, philosopher, psychologist, theologian, historian, professor, explorer, adventurer, linguist, and friend. I want to be the perfect woman, physically fit, emotionally steady, and spiritually sound. The thing I keep forgetting is that in trying to come across perfect I lose genuineness and the truth that I am not complete.
It is terrifying to be yourself in any situation. In new situations you want to make a good impression, in middling acquaintance you want to look good, and with good friends you want to live up to their expectations. Vulnerability is part of being human, but it has become socially unacceptable to be vulnerable.