Can I Prosecute Goats for Assault and Battery?

The list of charges is as follows:

Wanted: Far Away From Me

The assailants, Fiona Bleu, Orion, and Orville, are herewith charged in multiple accounts of Assault, Battery, Kidnapping, False Imprisonment, Unlawful Search and Seizure,Indecent Exposure, and Defecating in Public.

Yes, there is a story to accompany these seemingly ridiculous. Look at their faces. Aside from being set up like a nineties boy band and being much better looking they couldn’t be guilty of much. Right? Wrong.

It all started earlier this evening when my parents were rushing out the door for a dinner meeting. Mom was giving me a list of things that needed to be done before my sisters got home from a 4-H meeting including feed, watering, and returning all animals to their designated housing. After checking the cats, running a neighboring dog off, counting and double counting our fourteen chickens, and quieting down our rambunctious golden retrievers I headed to the goat pen.

They were jumping on the gate making it next to impossible to muscle my way in, so being the engineering Girl Scout I am I decided to climb the fence.

Exhibit A: My skirt.

I managed to hop  the seven feet of horse corral we had repurposed for our goats, but not with out attracting the attention of the little rascals. They started nipping at my legs pulling at my skirt circling around me and tripping me up.  Glancing around I tried to find food or something to lure them into the barn they shared at night. Finding nothing I tried everything from pushing them in to luring them in with their water bucket. One of the male goats tried to eat the latch and the other male kept jumping on me knocking me around enough that I had to focus to keep my balance while the female contented herself trying to eat my skirt. The main problem was the door snapping shut every time I let go of it.

Exhibit B: My cellphone

I had been on the phone with Mom receiving instruction on animal maintenance, so I started flashing the LED inside the room trying to make blinking lights and distractions. Either Orion or Orville, they are identical, took another leap at me and bit my hair pulling it pushing me back into the shed. They wedged into the doorway, so I backed up hoping they would follow me in. As soon as I was in they jumped back outside slamming the door shut and effectively locking me in. Orion and Orville kept jumping up to bite at the latch making the door like the gate impossible to open. Fiona started jumping on the door, so what did I do? I turned the light on in my phone, texted my mom, and changed my status on Facebook to: my goats have captured me. After ten minutes of  captivity and realizing how epically I have failed the goats stopped slamming into the door. I tried to get out only to let Fiona in and now add bleating to the banging. I sat back to wait again hoping they would lose interest in a bit, but my new room mate decided to mark her territory. It was dark and I could here the noise of defecating goats. I fumbled for my phone light only to find Fiona poking around under my skirt. Sufficiently disturbed and irked I edged to the door trying to avoid any droppings.

I tried to force my way out, but once I wedged the door open I got caught in the middle of nuzzling goats trying to leap through the door way kicking. I knocked the door open finally corralling them inside.

Now I am self prescribing therapy: Blogging, Piano, Michael Buble’s new Christmas CD, the latest Stephen James, and a strong cup of something heated.

I rest my case

– W



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